As an astute observer and a dedicated follower of the dispassionate rational political discourse which typifies American national politics, I have spent the past year reading the comments sections on news sites and following only the best CAPS-LOCK email forwards to put together a definative list on the issues that will decide the election. Below are my findings:
This election is about:
Joe the Plumber (greatest American and hero to us all!)
Scranton (Salt of the Earth!)
Hatchets (use first or not at all?)
Scaples (everybody wants one!)
The Weather Underground (still pallin' around!)
Moose Hunting
Hugo Chavez (precondition: Collect Call)
shooting wolves from aircraft
invading Pakistan (should we tell them about it first? Opps, too late!)
who can talk to Iran (just the State Department or the President too?)
people who attend rallies and shout things (cabinet appointments or future diplomatic corps?)
George Wallace (will he run again as an independent?)
who will be ready to lead at day 1 at 3am (Hilliary Clinton, of course)
the amount of houses McCain owns (and if he buys more, will it solved the mortgage crisis?)
domestic oil production (celebrated)
Exxon Mobile (derided)
Bristol Palin (can she be simultaneously pregnant?)
how much you support clean coal & nuclear power (it can never be enough)
Colombian labor leaders (were their lives properly honored?)
Ireland's status as a tax haven
How many times can you talk about NAFTA while never mentioning Canada? (infinity)
will we use a timetable or a time horizon to exit Iraq? (Time Horizon, it's more poetic)
the ability to articulate the Bush Doctrine (Summer 2002 to Spring 2007, in a five paragraph theme, no less than 500 words)
the ability to properly form a sentence on television (gotcha media!)
does a layover count as visiting a country? What if it's Ireland, with an 11% corporate tax rate?
can incompetent and creepy government officials be fired if they're relatives?
in third least populated state, can you be a government official and not related?
can Joe Biden restrain his famous arrogance during an hour-long debate? (surprisingly, yes)
can Sarah Palin participate in an hour-long debate? (surprisingly, yes)
does voting against an amendment and for the bill mean not supporting the bill? (always)
does voting for an amendment and against a bill mean supporting the bill? (always)
Community Organizing (most noble job or euphemism for 'unemployment'?)
grimacing and making strange faces (policy or strategy?)
ACORN
Obama, secret Muslim or covert Muslim?
Repainting a Patriotic Cargo plane to use as the campaign plane (a BAD IDEA)
Joe Six-Pack (does he buy his beer from Cindy McCain?)
Whining about Phil Gramm (and did he singlehandedly cause the current crisis?)
Main Street (everyone works there!)
Wall Street greed (the cause of everything)
Conservative Temperament ("Keep Cool with Coolidge")
Vitriolic Righteous Indignity (GET SOME OUTRAGE!)
This election is about:
Joe the Plumber (greatest American and hero to us all!)
Scranton (Salt of the Earth!)
Hatchets (use first or not at all?)
Scaples (everybody wants one!)
The Weather Underground (still pallin' around!)
Moose Hunting
Hugo Chavez (precondition: Collect Call)
shooting wolves from aircraft
invading Pakistan (should we tell them about it first? Opps, too late!)
who can talk to Iran (just the State Department or the President too?)
people who attend rallies and shout things (cabinet appointments or future diplomatic corps?)
George Wallace (will he run again as an independent?)
who will be ready to lead at day 1 at 3am (Hilliary Clinton, of course)
the amount of houses McCain owns (and if he buys more, will it solved the mortgage crisis?)
domestic oil production (celebrated)
Exxon Mobile (derided)
Bristol Palin (can she be simultaneously pregnant?)
how much you support clean coal & nuclear power (it can never be enough)
Colombian labor leaders (were their lives properly honored?)
Ireland's status as a tax haven
How many times can you talk about NAFTA while never mentioning Canada? (infinity)
will we use a timetable or a time horizon to exit Iraq? (Time Horizon, it's more poetic)
the ability to articulate the Bush Doctrine (Summer 2002 to Spring 2007, in a five paragraph theme, no less than 500 words)
the ability to properly form a sentence on television (gotcha media!)
does a layover count as visiting a country? What if it's Ireland, with an 11% corporate tax rate?
can incompetent and creepy government officials be fired if they're relatives?
in third least populated state, can you be a government official and not related?
can Joe Biden restrain his famous arrogance during an hour-long debate? (surprisingly, yes)
can Sarah Palin participate in an hour-long debate? (surprisingly, yes)
does voting against an amendment and for the bill mean not supporting the bill? (always)
does voting for an amendment and against a bill mean supporting the bill? (always)
Community Organizing (most noble job or euphemism for 'unemployment'?)
grimacing and making strange faces (policy or strategy?)
ACORN
Obama, secret Muslim or covert Muslim?
Repainting a Patriotic Cargo plane to use as the campaign plane (a BAD IDEA)
Joe Six-Pack (does he buy his beer from Cindy McCain?)
Whining about Phil Gramm (and did he singlehandedly cause the current crisis?)
Main Street (everyone works there!)
Wall Street greed (the cause of everything)
Conservative Temperament ("Keep Cool with Coolidge")
Vitriolic Righteous Indignity (GET SOME OUTRAGE!)
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